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The Expendables

The Expendables
You know that scene in every action movie since 1974 when the guy jumps into the water after being blown off an edge by a massive, flaming ball of death? Yeah, that's The Expendables in a nut. If it isn't on fire, crumbling to pieces, being chased by a thousand guys in face paint and getting torn apart by a rapid-fire shotgun, it probably isn't in The Expendables.

This is the kind of film we used to spit-ball with friends in a kind of 'wouldn't it be cool if...?' scenario – all the biggest action stars coming together for one massive orgy of violence and bloodletting. Really, the concept is so tantalizing that we harboured a flickering flame of hope for this one; Sylvester Stallone called upon his action movie counterparts, roping in some of the biggest, toughest Ess-Oh-Bees out there for a movie that promised all the hallmarks of classic hard-action films we love to pieces (mostly things exploding and quippy one-liners).

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The Maiden Heist

The Maiden Heist
I notice art in other people’s offices when I visit there and I go to art museums when I have extra time on a business trip. I enjoy my art and I love the inspiration I get from taking in other people’s art. Museums are wonderful places.

To be a museum security guard must be the most boring job in the world. Have you watched the men and women that stand around in art museums, in uniforms, ties, quiet, alone, never talking to others unless asked by a visitor for directions to the bathroom, mostly? I cannot imagine doing a single 8-hour-shift of this, except the first one, and perhaps the second and third one, until I was done looking at all the art.

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Crank
Jason Statham’s new action pic Crank wasn’t made available to critics prior to its release. Big shock. After enduring all 87 excruciating minutes of this mean-spirited, blood-drenched Mountain Dew commercial masquerading as a motion picture, I wished that the studio had the courage to do the right thing, and not make it available to audiences either. It would have saved us all a little time, as well as a few brain cells. In fact, if you had the choice of doing “crank” or seeing the film Crank, I’d strongly suggest the former as a more productive use of your time.

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Closer

Closer
If you pay attention to Hollywood's romantic comedies, the interaction between men and women is all about love and companionship. If you instead rely upon the philosophy of Closer, it's all about power. Closer starts like a nice romantic drama, with a couple of "meet cutes" (as Roger Ebert calls them), then does a 180-degree turn and shows what happens when happily ever after rots from the inside out. It isn't just the relationships that curdle, but the characters. Their interaction becomes bitter and cynical. Sex is a tool used in power struggles and one-upsmanship games. Although the word "love" is mentioned a few times, it has little place in this movie, where emotions are weaknesses to be exploited by others. With Closer, director Mike Nichols and screenwriter Patrick Marber (translating his stage play) have ventured into Neil LaBute territory (In the Company of Men, Your Friends and Neighbors). For Nichols, this is not new terrain - he has visited here twice previously, in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and Carnal Knowledge. Put those two older films together with Closer and you get a grim trilogy that doesn't have a lot of good things to say about the human condition.

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Murderball

Murderball
As a tale of human courage and personal triumph, Murderball works. As a sports documentary, it falls short of the mark. Fortunately, Henry Alex Rubin and Dana Adam Shapiro's crowd-pleasing movie (it won the Audience Award for Best Documentary at Sundance) is more about the former than the latter. The failure of the in-game sequences (which amount to only a small percentage of the overall running time) does little to detract from Murderball's most important observations.

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Lions for Lambs

Lions for Lambs
Lions for Lambs is one of those movies in which the principals talk a lot but don't say much. The film is built not upon characters and plot but upon ideas. That would be fine if the ideas were revolutionary or interesting, but they're fairly commonplace. At its heart, this is an anti-war movie but, unlike other films existing in this growing genre, it doesn't pretend that the current situation is a series of black-and-white discrete instances. It acknowledges the grays. The problem is, aside from some okay performances by high-profile talent, there's nothing worth watching going on here. It's surprising that a director of Robert Redford's undeniable skill has made such a bland and somnambulant motion picture.

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McLintock!

McLintock!
George Washington McLintock (John Wayne) has a saddlebag full of trouble. The owner of the largest ranch in the territory, which also includes a mine and a lumber mill that he built up himself, should be a happy, fulfilled man, but he isn't. His wife, Katherine (Maureen O'Hara), walked out on him two years ago without a word of explanation and has been living back east and running in very fancy circles. He's getting older, a fact of which he's constantly reminded as friends around him decline in health.

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Youth Without Youth

Youth Without Youth
The film opens in 1938, introducing Dominic Matei (Tim Roth), a 70-year old professor of linguistics. On the eve of World War II, Dominic attempts to visit the Café Select but is denied access due to wearing his pyjamas. Dominic realises that he is getting no younger, and has essentially failed his aim in life – to fully discover the origin of human language. His tireless labours have condemned him to a solitary existence, often spent pining after Laura (Alexandra Maria Lara), the love of his youth. Intent on committing suicide, Dominic travels to Bucharest, the city where he and Laura met at university. He is struck by lightning. In hospital, he is initially diagnosed by Professor Stanciulescu (Bruno Ganz) to be dying of his burns. However, Stanciulescu is startled when his patient regenerates into a much younger man. The Professor helps Dominic out of the hospital so as to continue studying him. Shortly afterwards, Romania is occupied by the Nazis, whose interests are aroused by Stanciulescu’s miracle patient.

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Appleseed

Appleseed
Deunan Knute is a young highly skilled female soldier and is one of the last survivors of the Global War. During a battle, she is rescued by Hitomi, a Second Generation Bioroid. Deunan attempts to escape from a hospital and takes Hitomi hostage, but is stopped by Briareos Hecatonchires, her former lover, who is now a cyborg. She learns that the war had ended and she is in a Utopian city called Olympus. Its population is half-human and half-clone, a genetically-engineered species called Bioroids. Olympus is governed by three factions: Prime Minister Athena Areios; General Edward Uranus III, head of the Olympus Army; and a Council of Elders. Everything in the city is observed by an artificial intelligence named Gaia from a building called Tartaros. While there, Deunan joins the ESWAT organization.

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Secrets of the Clown

Secrets of the Clown
After the brutal murder of his best friend Jim, Bobbie is haunted by a presence. His girlfriend Val is distant and appears to have secrets of her own. Then the nightmares begin. Through the nightmares Bobbie uncovers clues regarding the murderers identity. With the killer still on the loose, bodies piling up, and time running out, Bobbie hires a psychic to contact his deceased friend Jim. But some secrets were never meant to be revealed. The dreams will guide him, the secrets will blind him, the murders haunt him. Only together will they unlock the Secrets of the Clown.

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Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Rod (Alan Bagh) is a young software salesman living a successful life in Silicon Valley when he meets up with an old classmate and aspiring fashion model, Nathalie (Whitney Moore), and begins dating her. Things go well for the couple while hints of something going wrong occur around them, such as the corpses of diseased birds winding up on beaches.

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Dr. Fugazzi

Dr. Fugazzi
Dr. Anna Fugazzi is a young, attractive psychologist with a loving and devoted (albeit freakish) boyfriend, plenty of stimulating friends, and a bright future ahead of her. But beneath her perfect life and calm exterior lies a deadly secret that she herself cannot imagine, much less confront!!! There is a delicate balance between reality and illusion, between conscious and the subconscious, and for Dr. Fugazzi, the truth lies somewhere in between the beauty of her present life and the horror of the not-too-distant past!!! Shocked by hallucinations and deadly images, tantalized by familiar, eerie voices, provoked by her deranged and knowing patients, and daily nightmares that awaken her in a strange, white room, Dr. Fugazzi takes an inhuman journey into her very psyche!!!!

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The Last Dragon

The Last Dragon
A young man searches for the master to obtain the final level of martial arts mastery known as the glow. Along the way he must fight an evil martial arts expert and an rescue a beautiful singer from an obsessed music promoter.

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Savage Weekend

Savage Weekend
Several couples head upstate to the country to watch a boat being built. Unfortunately they are stalked by a murderer behind a ghoulish mask.

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The Beast Must Die

The Beast Must Die
Tom Newcliffe, a rich businessman and expert hunter summons six guests to his huge country estate which he has rigged up with video cameras and a high-tech security system. He tells them and his surprised wife that they are all to stay over a weekend and that all of them will be kept on the estate during that weekend. For each guest, dead bodies have followed in their wake and the way that the dead have been murdered means that one of the guest is a werewolf and Tom has summoned his guests here to discover who it is and to hunt it down... The film has a clip at the beginning asking people in the audience to try to identify the werewolf and near the end there is a 30-second Werewolf Break for the audience to think over the evidence...

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My 5 Wives

My 5 Wives
Monte Peterson, a rich real-estate developer, is going through his third divorce. His friend Ray has found a good site for a ski resort in Utah, and Monte comes to bid on the land, competing with local banker Preston Gates. Monte knew that, in order to take possession of the land, he would have to convert to the local religion, a sort of cross between Mormonism and Amish (no smoking, no drinking, bigamy and simple livingdressing encouraged). What he didnt know was that the deed to the land also included the three wives of the deceased former owner. He also buys another plot, and the two wives that come with it, in part because they are much better cooks. Gates, meanwhile, wants the land to build an Indian casino, and is mixed up with some mobsters. Theres a trip to Las Vegas, a female-empowerment seminar, a jailbreak, and other complications too absurd to mention.

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