Shrek Forever After

Shrek Forever After
When I heard this movie was coming out, I was like, “Another one?” This is the fourth movie in the Shrek series, the previous films being Shrek, Shrek 2, and Shrek the Third. I didn’t expect it to be good, because most sequels can never match up to the first movie. But, this one definitely met up to my standards.

The story begins with the King (John Cleese) and Queen (Julie Andrews) begging Rumpelstiltskin (Walt Dohrn) to help them lift their daughter’s curse in exchange for the Far Far Away kingdom. Rumpelstiltskin is ecstatic — he has always wanted to rule his own empire. But right before the King signs the magical contract, a messenger rushes in to say that Fiona (Cameron Diaz) has been rescued. Forgetting completely about Rumpelstiltskin, the King and Queen rejoice.

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Almighty Thor

Almighty Thor
You can always count on The Asylum for a good laugh or two. Each and every one of their shamelessly low-budget “mockbusters” seems to take great pride in delivering the cheapest and cheesiest thrills for the money, and I’ve yet to be disappointed with any of their recent efforts. Not surprisingly, director Christopher Ray’s SyFy original outing “Almighty Thor” has been scheduled for release around the same time that Kenneth Branagh’s big budget comic book adaptation “Thor” bows in theaters across North America. “Almighty Thor” is just as a genuinely awful as I thought it would be, but as you well know, that’s precisely what I was hoping for. However, instead of mining the comic book for material, the filmmakers choose to plant their roots in the actual mythology surrounding the titular titan. Sneaky, sneaky.

Newcomer Cody Deal portrays the whiny, snot-nosed son of Odin (Kevin Nash), the latter of whom is currently in the midst of a very bloody war with the villainous Loki (Richard Grieco). Apparently this pasty middle-aged goth lord is highly interested in getting his sweaty little palms all over a magical hammer, which he will use to destroy the Tree of Life. However, before he can acquire said mystical weapon, Odin sends it hurtling into another dimension. Loki, understandably irritated with the whole scenario, savagely murders the old God and Thor’s bald, badass brother in a fit of rage. Upon discovering their bloodless corpses, Thor cries for a few brief moments before declaring revenge on the otherworldly demon who butchered his family. In order to prepare for the inevitable showdown, our hero teams up with a sexy warrior named Jarnsaxa (Patricia Velasquez), who desperately wishes to train the big blonde bozo for the fight of his life.

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Sahara

Sahara
Sahara takes the action/adventure story to new heights of preposterousness. In a way, that's not a bad thing, since it allows a certain level of guilty enjoyment. You're never expected to take anything in the movie seriously, because the characters and filmmakers don't. They're constantly directing knowing winks and nods at the audience, as if to reassure us that they know the story is stupid, but, hey, dumb can be fun sometimes. And there are times during Sahara when this approach works. Maybe 50 minutes worth of times. The problem? The movie is 127 minutes long.

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Love Happens

Love Happens
Is this a movie or a feature-length advertisement for Qwest? We're not just talking one product placement; this brand name is nearly omnipresent.

The title Love Happens is a play on the common phrase "shit happens." However, while the "shit" may have been removed from the title, it pollutes the screen. This is a maudlin romantic dramedy whose every frame reeks of artificiality. While that characteristic is kept somewhat in check during the film's first hour, it spirals out of control during the final third, rendering the climax and conclusion nearly unwatchable. On the way to the expected happy ending, Love Happens uses clichés and improbable occurrences to resolve everything so simply and cleanly that it threatens to trigger the gag reflex.

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Amelie

Amelie
Years ago, while watching Delicatessen (in 1992) and The City of Lost Children (in 1995), I wondered which of the co-directors, Jean-Pierre Jeunet or Marc Caro, was more responsible for the films' quirky tone and striking visual style. Although Caro hasn't made a film since The City of Lost Children, Jeunet has continued in the business, accepting the Hollywood offer to helm Alien: Resurrection, then returning to his native France to direct Amelie. With the release of this movie, which has won critical accolades across the world, become one of the most popular home-grown films of all time in France, and captured the audience award at the 2001 Toronto International Film Festival, I have learned the answer to my question. Amelie makes it clear that the primary creative force behind the earlier films' stylistic uniqueness was Jeunet.

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Aristocrats

Aristocrats
According to several of the roughly 100 talking heads in The Aristocrats, The Joke has been around for a long time, dating back to the days of vaudeville. In addition to being called "The Aristocrats," it has other names, like "The Sophisticates." It goes something like this: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says, "Have I got an act for you! It's the most incredible, original act you'll ever see. My family goes on stage and does… [insert a variety of unspeakable acts, often involving incest, sexual deviancy, bestiality, necrophila, and scatology]" When he's done, the talent agent replies, "That's quite a show. What are you called?" The response (and punch-line): "The Aristocrats."

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This Film Is Not Yet Rated

This Film Is Not Yet Rated
It's long past time that a filmmaker has shown the courage to expose the MPAA Ratings Board for what they are: censors working under the guise of servants to the public good. For those who have followed the ins-and-outs of the MPAA over the years, Kirby Dick's exposé, This Film Is Not Yet Rated, won't offer many shocking revelations. However, for those who naively believe the MPAA is offering a helping hand to filmmakers and parents alike, prepare to be aghast. In a little more than 90 minutes, Dick explores the hypocrisy of the way the MPAA treats sex, nudity, violence, and profanity; provides insight into the arbitrary and secretive ratings process; and names names – those men and women who comprise the ratings and appeals committees.

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Mars Attacks!

Mars Attacks!
What do you get if you use Tim Burton, the inspired and irreverent director of Batman and Ed Wood, to combine an invasion force of bug-eyed, big-brained Martians, a star-studded cast featuring some of the biggest names in Hollywood, and a huge special effects budget? Sadly, one of 1996's most disappointing motion pictures. Mars Attacks!, Burton's half-satire/half-homage to '50s B-movies, is a stillborn affair that could have been -- and should have been -- a whole lot hipper and funnier. If you've seen the two-minute theatrical trailer, you've seen nearly everything that's worthwhile in the feature.

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Vertical Limit

Vertical Limit
Peter Garrett (Chris O'Donnell) is a wildlife photographer and retired climber who a few years earlier caused his father to fall off a cliff face and plummet to his death in order to save his sister's and his own life (following his Dad's orders). Peter has not been able to move on and has subsequently retired from climbing and continued with his photography instead. Peter's sister Annie (Robin Tunney) has become a renowned mountain climber. Peter happens to show up at base camp as Annie attempts to climb K2 in the Pakistan province of Gilgit-Baltistan, the world's second highest mountain, which is very dangerous to climb because of the tough conditions which await at the summit. The expedition is funded by wealthy industrialist Elliot Vaughn (Bill Paxton) who is also going to climb, with the help of his friend Tom McLaren (Nicholas Lea). There is a huge party the night before the climbers begin the trek. Vaughn is introduced to Peter, who he asks to accompany them on the trip, but Peter instantly refuses.

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Children of Men

Children of Men
It is 2027 and no children have been born in the world for 18 years, due to a genetic fertility defect in women. With the world collapsing, only the United Kingdom remains with millions or even billions of asylum seekers entering the country. In response, Britain becomes a militarised police state as British forces round up and detain immigrants. Former activist and now office worker Theo Faron (Clive Owen) is kidnapped by an immigrant rights group known as "The Fishes", where he is surprised to see their leader is his estranged wife Julian Taylor (Julianne Moore). The couple parted ways after their son died from a flu pandemic in 2008. Julian offers Theo money for a permit for a young female refugee named Kee (Clare-Hope Ashitey), which Theo obtains from his cousin Nigel (Danny Huston), a minister. However, it requires the bearer to be accompanied, so Theo agrees to escort Kee in exchange for a raise. Luke (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a Fishes member, drives Theo, Kee, Julian, and Miriam (Pam Ferris), a midwife, towards the coast to a boat. They are ambushed by an armed gang and Julian is fatally shot. Two police officers stop their car but Luke kills them and they escape to a safe house.

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The Covenant

The Covenant
To the students of the Spenser Academy, the Sons of Ipswich are the baddest boys on campus. But thats not all they share. The four friends also share a 300-year-old secret theyre warlocks, the teenage descendants of a 17th-century coven of witches. So when the long-banished fifth son suddenly appears and threatens to kill their loved ones, they realize they must face their enemy in order to prevent him from stealing their powers and shattering the covenant forever.

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Repo! The Genetic Opera

Repo! The Genetic Opera
Comic style panels explain how epidemic organ failures devastated mankind in the future. The multi-billion dollar biotech company GeneCo emerged as a result. It provided for-profit organ transplantation, in addition to financing options. GeneCo was able to even repossess defaulted organs. Clients who were behind on payments feared the "organ repo men", contracted by GeneCo to recover GeneCo's property by any means necessary.

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Honeymoon Academy

Honeymoon Academy
A honeymooning couple become entangled in a plot to recover plates for counterfeiting US dollars. SHE thinks shes just retired from a government dirty jobs department, but her superiors have other ideas. HE thinks shes a retired travel agent. Set in Spain, theres a constant flow of visual jokes, mainly at the expense of a group of incompetent thieves who are in hot pursuit of the plates. Many of the jokes are predictable, but theres enough to keep almost everyone amused.

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Too Much

Too Much
When Suzie and her parents take a visit to Japan her fathers business partner, an inventor called Tetsuro decides to make Suzie a robot. The robots name is Too Much (or TM for short) and he and Suzie become the best of friends. But when the day comes for Suzie to return home she finds shes not allowed to take TM with her, so they run away together. However, they must watch out for a rival inventor of Tetsuros is looking for them so that he can examine TMs programming. Will TM and Suzie manage to escape from his clutches and prove that love conquers all?

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Ice Princess

Ice Princess
17-year-old physics whiz Casey Carlyle is urged by her physics teacher to work on a physics project over the summer for presentation to Harvard. As a skater, Casey decides on a project that shows the elements of physics applied in competitive figure skating. To start, she visits a skating club run by former professional skater Tina Harwood. Casey eventually finds that in order to better understand the principles shes using, she will have to become her own test subject, and joins the skating school. The more she gets involved, the more she falls in love with figure skating....and must ultimately make a choice Will it be Harvard - which her mother and Casey have both dreamed of, or will it be her new dream - as a competitive figure skater?

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Milf
A group of nerdy college guys who cant seem to connect with girls their own age discover the excitement of hooking up with sexy older women.

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